17% Tanned-rested-and-ready neo-Nixonian comeback strategy
“It’s sort of a thankless job sometimes.”

16%  Gyroscopically-stabilized avoidance of boat-rocking
“He’s not controversial. Most comics would try and do something shocking, but he knows what it’s all about … he wouldn’t do something that would embarrass the academy. Eddie, Whoopi — they’d have been edgier.” – Paul Rodriguez

15%  Hammy, hey-look-at-me-everybody! camera mugging
“Even when I was in school shows, in elementary school doing plays, I’d always go off book and start improvising.”

14%  Telecast-bloating set pieces featuring Uggie the dog, pantomime horses, fake tattoos, Berle-esque cross-dressing and the allegedly-comical mispronunciation of French people’s names
“You know, there’s that traditional medley with all the names of the nominated pictures all put into one kinda crummy kinda song.”

12%  Erroneous belief than audiences crave Sammy Davis Jr impersonations
“I’m comfortable being old … being black … being Jewish.”

9%  Jolson-y genuflection

7%  Callbacks to old “SNL” sketches

5%  Hush-hush plans for Pixar-driven Jack Palance exhumation

4%  A 1954 George Jessel speech to the Rotary Club of Winnetka, Ill.

1%  Creeping fear that rhyming “Rooney” and “George Clooney” may not live up to 2004 “brisket”/“Seabiscuit” triumph