Excerpt from work in progress.
Oyster Magazine asked me to contribute something involving the word “dream” to their 100th issue. This is what I sent them.
![15% Arcane, dandified Wes Andersonian quaintness
[“I think I have too many interests. I mean, people will come to my house and say, ‘Oh, I didn’t know you collected scissors, Jack.’”]
13% Non-Hawaiian-shirted caucasian blues-rock revisionism
13% Colonial Williamsburg-ish living-history-museum docentism
11% Theda Bara
10% Authentic inauthenticity
[“The quote unquote ‘Real Jack White’ has always been there, only if the viewer, the listener, can get past all the stuff that shouldn’t bother them to begin with.”]
10% Unreliable narration
[“Art is the biggest fabrication…I mean, I don’t want to see a regular guy walk out on stage. Fuck that! Imagine how disappointed you’d be if Michelangelo was just a normal guy. I don’t want to know that. Do you?”]
10% Evasive dissembling
[“Nobody knows, I don’t know, the band doesn’t know, the fans don’t know, the press don’t know, nobody knows what’s going to happen.”]
7% Wonka-esque glow-in-the-dark, liquid-filled, laser-etched, peach-scented and balloon-delivered records
[“What some people call a gimmick, others will call art.”]
5% Hyphephilia
[We did a record with Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, and I asked her about the settee she always sits on — that famous couch. I said, “Man, I’d really, really love to upholster that thing for you.”]
3% Jay-Z envy
[“I’m jealous of things that Jay-Z can say that I can’t say…Jay-Z can go on record and say what a great rapper he is. If I go on record and say what a great guitar player I am…come on!”]
2% “Setting Limits With Your Strong-Willed Child” by Robert J. Mackenzie
[“’[Sixteen] Saltines’ came from my daughter. I was working on a song and she asked me for a snack. I said, ‘What do you want’ and she said, ‘I think I’ll have 16 saltine crackers. I said, ‘I think you’ll have three!’”]
1% Cyan, magenta, yellow and black](http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m3aqhnaNe91qf5y35o1_500.jpg)
15% Arcane, dandified Wes Andersonian quaintness
[“I think I have too many interests. I mean, people will come to my house and say, ‘Oh, I didn’t know you collected scissors, Jack.’”]
13% Non-Hawaiian-shirted caucasian blues-rock revisionism
13% Colonial Williamsburg-ish living-history-museum docentism
11% Theda Bara
10% Authentic inauthenticity
[“The quote unquote ‘Real Jack White’ has always been there, only if the viewer, the listener, can get past all the stuff that shouldn’t bother them to begin with.”]
10% Unreliable narration
[“Art is the biggest fabrication…I mean, I don’t want to see a regular guy walk out on stage. Fuck that! Imagine how disappointed you’d be if Michelangelo was just a normal guy. I don’t want to know that. Do you?”]
10% Evasive dissembling
[“Nobody knows, I don’t know, the band doesn’t know, the fans don’t know, the press don’t know, nobody knows what’s going to happen.”]
[“What some people call a gimmick, others will call art.”]
5% Hyphephilia
[We did a record with Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, and I asked her about the settee she always sits on — that famous couch. I said, “Man, I’d really, really love to upholster that thing for you.”]
3% Jay-Z envy
[“I’m jealous of things that Jay-Z can say that I can’t say…Jay-Z can go on record and say what a great rapper he is. If I go on record and say what a great guitar player I am…come on!”]
2% “Setting Limits With Your Strong-Willed Child” by Robert J. Mackenzie
[“’[Sixteen] Saltines’ came from my daughter. I was working on a song and she asked me for a snack. I said, ‘What do you want’ and she said, ‘I think I’ll have 16 saltine crackers. I said, ‘I think you’ll have three!’”]
1% Cyan, magenta, yellow and black
My SXSW 2012 Diary, Part One: “Fuck you, Miike Snow.” (via Rolling Stone)
My SXSW 2012 Diary, Part Two: “We’ve put our delicious wine into a convenient pouch!”
My SXSW 2012 Diary, Part Three: “A guy with a rat on his head juggling hacky-sack balls”
My SXSW 2012 Diary, Part Four: “It’s like the third act of a Michael Bay movie out here.”
![17% Nuanced depictions of America destined to be misused by right-wing politicians17% Nostalgic evocations of pre-Snooki Jersey Shore pride15% Folk anthems, murder ballads and rousing sea shanties coated in thick, Spectorian goo13% Lengthy, Cialis-y performances11% Semi-simulated working class heroism“At night when I’m sleeping in my big house, it’s killing me. It’s a rough life, it’s a brutal life! The rock music business: brutal, brutal, brutal.”9% That one dude who used to sit in back of biology class drawing hot rods7% Facial contortions connoting earnestness and/or sciatica5% Oprah-esque ability to reduce middle-aged men to tears3% Sweat-soaked bandannas2% Occasional curiosity about who this Skrillex guy is1% Knowing who’s really Boss“Obama can sing. Did you see that? [Sings falsetto:] ‘Let’s stay together.’ I can’t do it. He’s better than me!”](http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m0s9celH0I1qf5y35o1_500.jpg)
17% Nuanced depictions of America destined to be misused by right-wing politicians
17% Nostalgic evocations of pre-Snooki Jersey Shore pride
15% Folk anthems, murder ballads and rousing sea shanties coated in thick, Spectorian goo
13% Lengthy, Cialis-y performances
11% Semi-simulated working class heroism
“At night when I’m sleeping in my big house, it’s killing me. It’s a rough life, it’s a brutal life! The rock music business: brutal, brutal, brutal.”
9% That one dude who used to sit in back of biology class drawing hot rods
7% Facial contortions connoting earnestness and/or sciatica
5% Oprah-esque ability to reduce middle-aged men to tears
3% Sweat-soaked bandannas
2% Occasional curiosity about who this Skrillex guy is
1% Knowing who’s really Boss
“Obama can sing. Did you see that? [Sings falsetto:] ‘Let’s stay together.’ I can’t do it. He’s better than me!”
![15% Chuck Yeager-ish four-octave loop-de-loops, Immelmans and whifferdills14% Ululating, energy-inefficient, no-oh-oh-o-o-14% -o-o-o-OHH-o-o-WHOA-o-o-o-OHH-o-o-o-te-bending vocalese12% Blind items, rumors and disgruntled former employees“At this point, you could throw anything at me, and it’s not going to stick.”12% Foul-ups, bleeps and blunders“I just made myself a Trivial Pursuit question: ‘In 2011, what female singer flubbed the lyrics [to ‘The Star-Spangled Banner’]?’ ”8% Carroty, Kardashian-y spray tan7% Repressed showbiz-kid trauma“Do we even remember who I lost to [on ‘Star Search’]?”5% Button-pushing5% Pushing buttons“If she busts my balls, I’ll bust hers.” – Adam Levine4% A copy of “Call Her Miss Ross” by J. Randy Taraborrelli“Hello? Do you know who you’re talking to? I’m a female, I’m very assertive … and I’m known for being sort of a powerhouse vocalist — and I’m sorry, but a great vocalist in my time — so you do get pigeonholed and titled ‘diva.’ ”3% Development deal for “What Ever Happened To Baby Jane?” remake with Kelly Osbourne“She called me fat for so many f***ing years. So you know what? F*** you! You’re fat, too.” – Kelly Osbourne1% Awareness that genies are not the only things that come in bottles](http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m0fbhaTa2b1qf5y35o1_500.png)
15% Chuck Yeager-ish four-octave loop-de-loops, Immelmans and whifferdills
14% Ululating, energy-inefficient, no-oh-oh-o-o-
14% -o-o-o-OHH-o-o-WHOA-o-o-o-OHH-o-o-o-te-bending vocalese
12% Blind items, rumors and disgruntled former employees
“At this point, you could throw anything at me, and it’s not going to stick.”
12% Foul-ups, bleeps and blunders
“I just made myself a Trivial Pursuit question: ‘In 2011, what female singer flubbed the lyrics [to ‘The Star-Spangled Banner’]?’ ”
8% Carroty, Kardashian-y spray tan
7% Repressed showbiz-kid trauma
“Do we even remember who I lost to [on ‘Star Search’]?”
5% Button-pushing
5% Pushing buttons
“If she busts my balls, I’ll bust hers.” – Adam Levine
4% A copy of “Call Her Miss Ross” by J. Randy Taraborrelli
“Hello? Do you know who you’re talking to? I’m a female, I’m very assertive … and I’m known for being sort of a powerhouse vocalist — and I’m sorry, but a great vocalist in my time — so you do get pigeonholed and titled ‘diva.’ ”
3% Development deal for “What Ever Happened To Baby Jane?” remake with Kelly Osbourne
“She called me fat for so many f***ing years. So you know what? F*** you! You’re fat, too.” – Kelly Osbourne
1% Awareness that genies are not the only things that come in bottles
17% Tanned-rested-and-ready neo-Nixonian comeback strategy
“It’s sort of a thankless job sometimes.”
16% Gyroscopically-stabilized avoidance of boat-rocking
“He’s not controversial. Most comics would try and do something shocking, but he knows what it’s all about … he wouldn’t do something that would embarrass the academy. Eddie, Whoopi — they’d have been edgier.” – Paul Rodriguez
15% Hammy, hey-look-at-me-everybody! camera mugging
“Even when I was in school shows, in elementary school doing plays, I’d always go off book and start improvising.”
14% Telecast-bloating set pieces featuring Uggie the dog, pantomime horses, fake tattoos, Berle-esque cross-dressing and the allegedly-comical mispronunciation of French people’s names
“You know, there’s that traditional medley with all the names of the nominated pictures all put into one kinda crummy kinda song.”
12% Erroneous belief than audiences crave Sammy Davis Jr impersonations
“I’m comfortable being old … being black … being Jewish.”
9% Jolson-y genuflection
7% Callbacks to old “SNL” sketches
5% Hush-hush plans for Pixar-driven Jack Palance exhumation
4% A 1954 George Jessel speech to the Rotary Club of Winnetka, Ill.
1% Creeping fear that rhyming “Rooney” and “George Clooney” may not live up to 2004 “brisket”/“Seabiscuit” triumph
